Tourniquet
by LadyNyoko
Summary: Jonouchi is in love with Kaiba, and is positive that the brunette doesn't love him. In deprestion, he attempts to kill himself. Song fic to "Tourniquet" by Evanescence and in Jou's POV.


**Title:** Tourniquet  
**Rating:** R  
**Genre:** Romance/Angst  
**Pairings:**Jonouchi/Kaiba  
**Warnings:** Character Suicide, mentionings of rape, lots of blood.  
**Summary:** Jonouchi is in love with Kaiba, and is positive that the brunette doesn't love him. In deprestion, he attempts to kill himself. Song fic to "Tourniquet" by Evanescence and in Jou's POV.  
  
**A Few Helpful Hints:**  
  
*_Song Lyrics_*  
"Speaking out loud"  
'_A person's thoughts_'  
  
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**Tourniquet**  
  
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*_I tried to kill the pain  
But only brought more_*

'_Nothing could be worse than living this damn life._'

Those were my thoughts before I did it. I tried my hardest to will it all away, to forget all the pain. But doing that only made it worse. Every time I insulted him, it felt like I had been stabbed by a thousand knives. I couldn't tell him, he'd reject me. Surely Seto Kaiba would never be able to love Katsuya Jonouchi, the dog. If only I hadn't been right. Then maybe I wouldn't be here in my room, holding a small kitchen knife in my hand.

It was the best thing I could find, sharp and able to cut deep. I held my wrist before me, and closed my eyes. I couldn't watch myself; if I did, I wouldn't do it. With a swift movement, a small deep cut formed in my wrist. The pain was so strong, I could almost feel blood in my mouth. But I don't care, dying is what I wanted. I wanted to just be able to leave it all behind. If I die, my problems die with me.

*_I lay dying  
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal_* 

I layed back on my bed, my second wrist cut as well. I don't care if I die. I'll just lay here and bleed, until finally I can let go. Let go of everything. My regret, my betrayal.

Almost immidiately fresh tears welled up in my eyes. My own father had taken away the thing I cherished most. He'd bound me, beat me, and raped me. He'd taken away my precious virginity. A lot of my friends think think that I'm not a virgin, but they're wrong. I may act like a punk, but even I have morals. I'd been saving it for my one true love.

A choked sob escaped my lips, and this time I was positive I tasted blood.

I'd been saving my virginity for Seto.

*_I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming_*

I didn't care, but I prayed against all hope, that God would let me see Seto again. Whether it be in hell or heaven or wherever I'm sent, or in another life. I just want to be able to see him again.

I'm so sad that I want to scream; I want to let it all out. But I couldn't.

I was broken, sobbing, choking on my own blood.

But inside, I was screaming.

*_Am I too lost to be saved  
Am I too lost?_*

I'm positive I'll go to hell, but nothing could be worse than this. I used to wonder if I could be saved. If there really was a God, but now I know. I've seen the devil himself staring back at me. I used to disobey every commandment there ever was. I thought I was too lost to be saved. And right now I still wonder that. Am I too lost to be saved?

*_My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
  
Do you remember me  
Lost for so long_*

I wonder if God'll actually remember me? I don't remember the last time I prayed. I was lost for so long, completely oblivious to my religion. Maybe it would've been better if I had prayed. Oh well, too late to turn back now.

*_Will you be on the other side  
Or will you forget me_*

I wonder if God will be wherever I'm sent, or will he just forget me? I'm worthless enough. No one here on earth will miss me. No one here needs me. What will happen if after I die, I'll just drift off into nothingness? Will I just, cease to exist all together?

*_I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming_*

I went into a series of coughs, blood staining my school uniform. I was sure I was almost gone now. I could barely breathe. I'm pretty sure blood had filled my lungs. My vision was fading, and yet I was still conscious. I'm pretty sure I can hear some voices. Is someone coming? Maybe it's an angel, coming to take me from this damn earth.

*_Am I too lost to be saved  
Am I too lost?  
  
My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
  
My wounds cry for the grave  
My soul crys for deliverance_*

I wish I'd die now. The pain is blinding me, all I can see is darkness and a bright light. I don't know whether to go towards it or away. I try my hardest to will myself to move towards the salvation of my death, but I'm too stiff to move. My bodies slowly dying, slowly life is ebbing out of my flesh. I want to be delivered from this damn earth and all the pain that comes with it.

But then I remember something someone once told me.

'_Suicide is a sin. All those who commit it, go to hell._'

*_Will I be denied Christ_?*

But would I be any acception? Will I be shunned from that I deny most? Will I be denied Christ? My savior?

I don't care anymore. There's only a moment's more pain, and shouting and screaming. Someone's shaking my shoulder, there's something wet on my face. Is someone crying over me? I hazily open my eyes. The most I can make out is a head full of rich chesnut hair, and sparkling ice blue eyes. And a bright light behind him.

It's an angel...

He's crying for me...

So, I'm really dying. I'm really going to hell...

My lungs burn as I inhale one more time, and then everything goes black...

*_Tourniquet  
My suicide_*

  
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**Author's Notes:**  
  
Omg! I cried while I wrote this! I just got "Fallen" today, and this idea bombarded me at 10 p.m. and I just had to write it! The thing that hurts me the most, is that it's Seto who's crying over Jou, trying to snap him out of it. Jou thought Seto was an angel! Seto was the last thing he saw before he died! I'm still crying!  
  
*sobs softly to self*  
  
Let me know what you think!  



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